Choose Your Quarantine House


I don't like the "choose a house" meme. I already know who would be in my ideal house: Elton John, Padma Lakshmi, and Beyonce. We're in a beautiful apartment on RuPaul's 60,000 acre fracking ranch in Wyoming, having tea on the balcony. I'm sending a prank email to Spencer Gifts telling them they are being investigated by the FBI (Federal Booty Inspector). Padma thinks it's mildly entertaining. Elton doesn't get it. Beyonce threatens to change the wifi password and lock me out.
I do kinda want Demi Lovato there too but it's a four bedroom. Anyway I don't like that meme, please don't ask me to pick a house because I already have my answer.



Movie References


No I cannot “find all 38 movie references in this picture” because the picture gives me a full blown anxiety attack.

(Takes a Xanax) 

Oh look there’s the bobsled from Cool Runnings



Ten Things I Hate That Most People Love

Image by engin akyurt

This was a meme that was popular on Facebook towards the beginning of quarantine. I don't like it but I decided to participate anyway.

Ten things that most people love that I hate:

  1. Confronting the coach of my son’s little league team to tell him to not be so hard on the players, they’re just kids

  2. Saving my family owned cafe in a small town in Ireland from losing to the new big competitor across the street by starting a...drag show? 

  3. Running through an airport to catch her before she gets on the plane, only to miss the plane but then see her standing behind me. I tell her I’m gay and I just wanted to let her know.

  4. When we move to a new town and I act like a reeeeaaal bitch and my mom says “You promised you were going to try to make friends. This is a fresh start for us” so I go to a library and they happen to have a book about how our new house is built on top of a burial site.

  5. Reminding an employee that before I was in charge of this company, my father was in charge, and before that my father’s father, and before that my father’s father’s father. I do this for 4 minutes until he realizes it couldn’t possibly be true and I forget what point I’m trying to make.

  6. Walking to the balcony alone, looking at the night sky and remembering that time we picked a star to name. I find the star right away and whisper “hello Dwayne ‘The Star’ Johnson”.

  7. When it’s time for the vocal trio I manage to perform in Regionals and the LEAD, the one who makes us SUCCEED, is a no-show because of a blowout argument we got into earlier that day. I fill in for him and I do great, and we win the competition. Turns out that son-of-a-bitch was in the audience watching the whole time. He tries to convince me that the reason he bailed is because he knew that I was the real star all along? Not sure what y’all love about this so much.

  8. When he wins me over with a cheesy dance and he asks “so how was it?” and I said it was bad (5 second pause) and that’s what I loved about it. In that five seconds he had a small heart attack.

  9. Beef Jerky

  10. Celine Dion